Miss Me When I'm Gone
by drewsapaloosa
Summary: "Please, Fitz." I told him, pleading. But it was too late. What if during Degrassi's Vegas Night, Eli Goldsworthy had been stabbed, had then survived? Later on will include Eclare and will be a flip POV FF.
1. It's a Mad World

_Whatever Fitz does to you, you deserve it. _Her words stung, I wasn't going to lie. My lips curved into a bitter smirk as I watched her disappear into a crowd of people, sooner chasing down Adam. I stood in my own silence as her cool words sunk in.

A part of me felt shattered, but another part of me let her distance herself away from me. Even though I wanted Clare, needed Clare, she could run off into Fitz's arms if she was going to be this naive. If she was going to be this _stubborn_.

The music was blaring behind me but I heard nothing. I noticed my chest heaving and my breathing becoming unsteady, but I felt nothing. _Nothing. _Absolutely nothing. And as the feeling dug under my skin, it began to bother me more and more.

Her words were ice against mine. Who did she think she was? I was trying to protect her for God's sake... But she didn't want me. Clare Edwards was done with me. She was sick of me and she didn't want to see me. She didn't need me anymore. She had _Fitz._ God, would you look at me? I'm jealous. I'm jealous of an asshole who will just use her and ruin her. Ruin her and hurt her. Something I would never do.

But I've already hurt Clare Edwards.

I now stood embarrassed. Not even wanting to look down at my feet. I felt sickened with myself. I had been an ass. But an apology was out of the question if she wouldn't even face me.

My feet dragged backwards and I decided to just get the hell out of there. Why did I even bother going? It was a stupid school dance. Clare was going with Fitz and I couldn't even be seen talking to her without Adam having to warn me that Fitz had an angry glow about him.

Lingering around the dark and winding halls, I backed up and slammed myself into a few lockers, feeling the aching pain of the metal against me. I didn't care if it hurt. Clare's cold words hurt more than this. Than _anything, _... _ever. _I couldn't lose her. Not after Julia. Not after any of this.

I stuck my earphones into each ear and slid down against the lockers, listening to one of my least favourite songs. I had no motivation to change it. I just didn't feel like moving. I didn't plan on it, either.

Until my stomach flip-flopped. She came running down the hall, a miserable and worried expression plastered against her soft, pink lips that I had longed to touch since our last encounter. Sighing heavily as she got me up off the ground I shook my head.

"Eli, Fitz has a knife," She tugged at my blazer by my shoulder but I made no sudden movements. Her voice was high-pitched and cracking.

I said nothing.

"This is the part where we run, lets go!" Clare's cool breath hit my cheeks as her hands reached for my earphones an ripped the cord forcefully.

I bit my lip and hesitantly caught her glance. I simply shook her hands off me and stood tall, though the fear in her voice tore at me senseless.

"I'm not going to let that jerk scare me..." I muttered, trying to convince both myself and Clare.

"Well don't you two look cute!" His sarcastic, condescending voice thundered down the hall and my eyes widened. I looked to Clare, trying to just gesture her to move out of the way.

Her worried blue eyes danced between myself and Fitz, his towering body stumbling much closer to us.

"Clare, get away from me," I muttered, gently thrusting her to the side.

I could feel Clare's eyes like daggers against me. She was watching. Scared. Unable to intervene. I sighed. She didn't have to watch this. I knew that at this moment, I lost.

"Fitz... I'm sorry," I choked out wryly, still trying to maintain my confidence. It wasn't worth it anymore. "For everything, okay? You win-"

"I've heard that before," He scoffed, looking far from sold off my apology.

He walked towards me with a furious expression. This was it. He was serious. With his blade poking at me, he edged me against the final wall, my back arching against the corner.

"You don't have to do this," I bit down on my lip, trying to keep my sight focused on Fitz, not the knife nor Clare in the background, kneeling worriedly. Hot tears were forming from the corners of my eyes and I continued to look up.

"Please, Fitz." I told him, pleading. But it was too late.

Fitz extended his arm at such a speed, I didn't even see it. The knife sliced through my clothing and delved into my skin, the pain starting to kick in. Before he could take another swipe at me I heard a common call from a police officer and many people shouting.

I felt the blood. I smelled it first, actually. But as I weakly lifted my hand to where I had been cheaply stabbed, my insides whirled. It was moist and the smell of iron was making me feel a bit more than tipsy.

As my eyelids struggled to stay open, the last thing I saw was Clare rush to my side as a large puddle of blood pool around our bodies.


	2. Get a Grip

My hands were folded calmly and one leg was over the other. I couldn't believe it. I was mortified and still in shock. But I had to face reality. I had to face sitting in the agonizing pain that is; waiting for Eli to wake up.

After watching him get so hurt, I tried not to look at him. But I did. As he lay motionless in the hospital bed, my eyes traced along his body. His face was so terrifyingly pale it made me sick. There were tubes running in and out of his nose, his hand and all the way down his body.

I wondered if he was in pain. If he could feel anything.

My eyes darted to his monitor, the green line running in a smooth and straight matter across the screen, with an occasional thrust upwards or downwards.

I wasn't alone with him at the hospital. I just felt alone. My parents thought I should have gone home hours ago because he's just a friend and he'll get better, but they don't know.

As I widened my focus I remember I was indeed with Eli's mother and Adam.

Adam was fixed on a large stack of comic books, and Eli's mother was buried in a fort of Kleenexes. I sighed.

Adam was mute. I had never seen him like this before. He didn't say a word to me. Maybe he was mad at me. Maybe he thought it was my fault, like I should have done something. Could I have done something? My heart dropped knowing that I probably should have done something.

I glanced over to Eli's mom. She was a single parent, from what I've guessed. Eli never talks about his dad. Seeing her like this makes me sick to my stomach.

It pained me to see her, so I went back to looking at Eli. Just today he called me his girlfriend.

I moved my chair closer, dragging the legs against the tiled floor, creating a horrid sound. I dropped it down and sat on the very edge, taking Eli's closest hand carefully. I linked all his fingers in between mine and sat.

And sat.

And sat.

Everyone told me I should go home. That I should get some sleep. That I should leave him just lying in that bed... alone.

Adam left by 1 AM after a hasty phone call with his mom who I could hear screeching through the phone. And for Eli's mom, she decided to get some air.

My breathing was horribly paced and I was just nervous. I wanted him to wake up. I wanted him to look at me with those green eyes and have that little smirk plastered to his face. I wanted him to say:

"Saint Clare, don't be so worried. _I'll take care of it._"

He would never know how badly I wanted him to just wake up. So I could apologize. For going with Fitz and for switching the cups. I wanted him to know that _I couldn't lose him._

And like how every miracle seems to happen in a Disney movie, a groan escaped his throat and he shuffled to on his side facing me, our fingers now locked tightly with one another.

His eyes were closed, and I was disappointed. I wanted him to know I was here. And I would stay by his side until he got better.

"Hey," I spoke, trying to get him to look at me. I took my free hand and tangled it deep into his hair, stroking it calmly.

"Hey," He responded, his eyes fluttering and then finally staying open. His eyes wandered to our hands, then to me. A shade of pink crept across my cheek, but I stayed calm.

And then it happened. I just started sobbing. I had done this to him. I should have done something to stop it all. My head was in my hands and I sniffled miserably as my face began to look as red as a tomato.

"Clare, come on," He mumbled, trying to make me feel better. He extended his hand for me to hold and I accepted.

"It's my fault, Eli," I said through muffled cries, trying my hardest to look at him.

He shook his head and smirked. "This isn't your fault. I should have listened to you, okay?"

I nodded and I stood, hovering over him. I placed my other hand deep within his knotted hair again, pushing it from his sweaty forehead. I stroked it smoothly, hoping he would feel better.

"You should go home," He said sadly. I knew he was right. But I couldn't leave him.

"I should, and my parents probably think I should, but I won't," I told him bravely. But I wasn't all that brave. I was scared to leave him. Scared that he would ... die alone in the night.

"Clare, I... I've got something to say," He stirred, looking the most serious that I've ever seen him.

I nodded. What did he have to tell me?

"You make me feel... like no one has ever made me feel. And I don't know if Adam told you this, b-but, whenever I'm around you, all I can think about is getting you to kiss me,"

My heart jumped.

"And hold my hand... and other stuff..."

"Eli-"

"I care about you, okay?"

A gentle smile crawled across his pale, brown lips and I nodded as a sincere grin was plastered to mine. I nodded slowly.

"I care about you, too." I chirped and continued to stroke through his hair.

Noticing his glance was behind me, it seemed as if he were staring at my empty water bottle. I bit my lip.

"Want something to drink?" I offered politely. Eli nodded solemnly and I flattened out my skirt. "Alright, well... I'll be right back,"

I turned a few corners and it felt like infinity before I found one of those stupid machines. Inside were fruit smoothies, chocolate milk, orange juice, diet Cola and finally just water. I punch in a few buttons and used a five dollar bill that I had taken with me.

The water dispensed and I grabbed it, hurrying back to his side.

I poked around the corner and then sat down beside him.

"Eli? I've got your water..." My voice trailed off as I noticed his eyes were closed and he had turned over.

A muffled snore was coming from him, and I decided not to laugh. I put the water down and stood over him. I took the rough hospital blanket and tucked his sides in more.

I peeled off my sweater and threw it over top of him gently.

Eli's mom came back a few short moments after, and it had seemed she calmed down.

"He's going to be okay," I promised to her- but also to myself.

She nodded hopefully and glanced at me with a thoughtful smile.

"Thank you, Clare." Her voice was distressed but she still wore a smile.

"Don't thank-"

"You know he talks about you?"

"Oh,"

"When I ask him how was school he doesn't say 'boring' anymore..."

"Oh?"

"I think it's because people like you and Adam have walked into his life."

For the rest of the evening the two of us didn't share another word. But her last sentence was enough for me to get through the night in that terrible chair. Sure my parents would have a fit and realized I didn't come home at midnight when I was supposed to, but... this was worth it.

Adam and I have walked into his life, and I was in no place to walk out.


	3. Convincing Clare

Four minutes until class and it was my first day back. I stood in the door way, arched up against the ledge. I moved suddenly when people shuffled in the classroom, then went back to my former position.

I saw Clare from around the corner, making her way obviously to English. As she tried to get past me, I smirked to her.

"Hey Saint Clare," I began. She blushed and rolled her eyes.

"Eli... C'mon, move please," She cooed, her periwinkle eyes scanning my facial features. She tried to move past me with a small push.

"Hey! Watch it! I just got out of the hospital!" I teased, watching her eyes widen. By now, Clare looked absolutely mortified.

"Don't joke about that!" She gasped, folding her arms flat against her chest.

I took her arm and lead her out of the door way. Two minutes before class.

"Let's skip today," I offered, shrugging my shoulders. She sighed.

"But we get our grade today," She hissed, not looking all that amused.

"Clare, we can just get it from Adam. _Remember?_" I told her, she nodded. Adam _was_ in our group, after all. She didn't look all completely sold on the idea.

"Eli, we've already skipped this class. What about next period?" She reminded me. Yes, we did in fact skip English already, but come on, it was English.

"Now our never, Saint Clare," I sang out teasingly, noticing there was one minute until class.

She let out a stressed sigh as she let me take her hand and pull her away from the class.

We walked happily, well, at least _I_ did. She had a grumpy essence about her.

"Where are you taking me, Eli?" She asked quizzically as I pulled her around the corner and out the main doors.

"Anywhere you want," I simply answered, but that wasn't true. I would be taking her to my house. Where we would watch movies, lose track of time and eat junk food. Never mind ... that just sounds what Adam and I do.

"Can we maybe... go to your house, I just, my house isn't exa-"

"My house it is!" I said, withdrawing my car keys from my pocket and clicking a button to unlock the doors. I opened up the passenger seat door for Clare and she smiled a thank you.

I climbed in the other side and slid the keys in. In moments, we pulled out of the Degrassi parking lot.

We hit a red light. _My favourite._

I remember of what Clare had said earlier. _My house isn't exa-_ what did she mean by that? I sat puzzled, then I turned my glance to her porcelain-like face.

"Clare, are you sure you don't want to go to your house?"

"Yeah, I mean no one is home, so it wouldn't matter but it's just a mess-"

"What's a mess?"

"My house-"

Her eyes fleeted to the road before us and then to me, catching my glance.

"My parents are just fighting again, and the house just got a bit messy this morning..."

I raised an eyebrow, and looked at her with a concerned expression. She sighed.

"My mom she... she is doing some charity work late tonight, and my dad... he didn't really react positively, he uhm-"

I sighed, wincing at what would come next.

"He threw one of her favourite china plates and, h-he-"

A single tear peaked at the corner of Clare's silvery-blue eyes and I shook my head.

"Clare, it's okay, we can talk later," I took one of my hands and warmly placed it on her shoulder, tracing circles with my fingers. Hoping it would comfort her.

For the rest of the car ride, nothing much was said. We sat in silence as I pulled into my driveway. I got up from my seat, closed the door behind me and went over to Clare's side, pulling open the door.

"Eli- thank you for this," She mumbled, and I helped her out of the seat, closing her door behind her.

I nodded solemnly and lead her into the foyer of my house. It was dark and dusty, but it was my home.

She looked around, craning her neck upward, downward, left, right, studying everything in her sight.

I guided her into my living room and I noticed she felt comfortable enough to scan through my family photos.

"Is this your dad?"

"It was my dad," I nodded.

Her face fell and she blushed.

"I'm so sorry,"

"Don't be." I shrugged and gave her a half smile as I plunged myself onto my couch.

I patted the spot next to me with a smug grin on my face and she joined me reluctantly.

"Do you want to talk, Clare?" I prompted, to see if she wanted to let it all out. She could talk to me. She could tell me anything. Any day, anywhere, any time, I would keep her secrets safe.

"Yes," She admitted quietly. I extended my arm and let her under it, snaking it around her waist as she leaned softly against my chest. Like nothing would go wrong. Nothing would hurt her. Because I was with her.

"Alright then." I breathed, taking a lock and removing it from her eyes.

"Eli, break starts tomorrow and I don't want to go to my grandmother's house with my parents... I can't stand the arguing anymore. I'm scared,"

I looked down at her, her eyes completely alluring.

"Why're you scared, Clare?" I asked a bit confused.

"My dad threw a plate today, it smashed into a billion tiny pieces. But that's not even the beginning."

My eyes widened and I felt her voice becoming shaky, along with the rest of her body. I slowly traced circles against her back for the second time today, hoping to calm her. I nodded to her to show her she could continue if she wanted.

"He comes home sometimes and he's drunk. Yelling and shouting like it's nobody's business. He threatens my mom and I..."

And then the tears came. They spilled out after those few words and she winced before crying miserably into my shirt. Her moist tears stained through my vest but I didn't mind. She sniffled and I tried to calm her by stroking her hair.

"I don't want to go, I want to stay here... with you-"

My eyes widened and my heart thudded hard.

"Do it then! Clare, stay here- with me!" I said, the impulse and excitement in my voice surprising me at first.

Her eyes got incredibly wide and she looked up at me. "You're crazy!" She gulped.

"No, just say that you're hanging with Alli for a week or so..." I insisted. I was such a terrible influence on her.

"Eli-"

"Come on, Saint Clare!"

She blushed again and I chuckled contently.

"Fine, but your mom won't mind?" She questioned worriedly.

"Please, Clare, she'd be happy to have you around. That I have someone around. Plus, Adam will be over often so she doesn't get too suspicious..."

"I'm still not sure about this,"

"How can I convince you?" I asked smirking, drawing our faces closer. Her nose brushed ever so slightly against mine and a shiver crept down my back. A smile crawled across her lips and I grinned also.

"You'll figure something out, you always do..." She said, her voice trailing off as her cool breath tickled my cheeks.

I pressed my forehead against hers, and at that moment, our smiles met and became one. Her soft lips brushed against mine and I cradled her face in my hands. Her fingers got tangled in the mess of my hair and I continued to kiss her harder and passionately. My tongue rested playfully on her bottom lip, seeking entrance. She gave me permission and her mouth opened. _Finally._

Clare and I had never kissed like this before. It was amazing. Her tongue wrestled mine, but in the end I claimed dominance. Her taste was sweet like vanilla and it was the most amazing thing. Tingles went through my spine and she finally broke apart the kiss.

Her breathing was unsteady now, more like panting.

"Convinced yet?" I challenged.

Clare Edwards threw me a smirk. _A smirk._ That I had never seen before. A smirk I had imagined many times.

_"Maybe." _


	4. Saint Clare Lies

"Ooh, Eli, you, alone, two weeks," Alli's tone was suggestive but more so annoying. I rolled my eyes as she tugged at me.

"Yes, which is why I- why I need you to tell my parents that I'll be with you for those two weeks," I hesitated to say it, but I finally spit it out. God I was naive. Like this plan would ever work.

Her milk chocolate eyes stared me down and I felt under the spotlight.

"Clare, you think your parents will buy that? Eh- sure, whatever!" She said as we turned a corner. We stood in front of Eli's house, where she promised to walk me. "Why don't we call them now?" She suggested smirking, her eyes lighting up.

She pulled out her cellphone and dialed my home phone number and handed it to me. My dad picked up.

"Hi, Dad. Yeah, I know I didn't meet you outside of school... I was wondering- could I just stay with Alli here in Toronto?"

Alli winced from all the yelling my dad was doing through the phone.

"I'm not really wanting to go to Whitby, please, Dad? It's already 7 o clock, you don't really want to drive out to Alli's!"

A sigh of relief escaped my throat. I had won the battle. I passed the phone over to Alli and widened my eyes. She knew what she had to do.

"Hey Mr. Edwards! Yeah! We're going to have one giant sleepover, oh, okay, yeah, thanks! You too! Bye!" She hung up and rolled her eyes.

"You owe me, Clare," She scoffed, rolling her big brown eyes.

"Noted. Anyway, thank you Alli," I acknowledged, sighing heavily as we walked up the front steps to Eli's door.

"But you can't spend every day with him, okay?"

"Yeah, I know,"

"Make time for me in your _Goldsworthy-Schedule_," she teased.

I beamed at her and waved goodbye as she began to walk down the street, her dark hair bouncing with her giddily.

Before my fist could reach the dark wood, it swung open before me and a very tall and handsome, green-eyed boy appeared before me.

"Hey, Saint Clare," He said, his eyes scanning over the bags at my feet before my face. "Light packer, I see," He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Eli picked up two of the three bags for me, leaving the one on my back for me to carry.

"Sorry, usually I'm more reserved about these things, but I'll be out of your way, I promise," I babbled awkwardly, a blush creeping against my cheeks. Eli took note of this and snickered childishly.

"I don't want you out of my way," He winked at me and I felt my heart jump. He led me down the hall and stopped me at the first door on the right. "Do you want to stay in the guest room or with me?"

My heart pounded deep in my chest. _Obviously_ the guest room. Why would Eli be stupid enough to offer otherwise? Did he have two beds or what? What is he, crazy?

"The guest room, thanks," I told him, a sheepish smile growing on my face.

He dropped my bags on the floor lightly and glared at me. What was he trying to do, seduce me? "I want you to stay with me," he said, his voice dark but... gentle.

"Eli, it's really not necessary-"

"Great then! Remember, it's third door on the left, so don't turn a right or you'll be going into my Mom's room," he chuckled to himself and then hoisted up my bags for the second time.

I stepped into his room and was taken aback as I slung my bag off my arm, onto the floor.

It was dark, no surprise there. But _clean._ And _tidy._ I wondered if he had cleaned up for me, or if it was like this regularly. I craned my neck to get a better look.

There were beautiful navy curtains hung, but swung to the side, the sun soaking through the window. His room was lit and lively. He had a fair sized bed and the sheets were black, blue and white, all matching. The rest of his furniture went accordingly too. And in the corner was a grand bookcase that actually had books on it! And of course, there were a few comic books scattered around the floor, but it was overall: clean.

I smiled and then looked down at my bags. "Ah, where should I keep these?"

He shrugged. "Make yourself at home, _Innocent Little Clare Who Never Lies To Her Parents_,"

I sighed and threw my bags down, and stomped my way over to him. He grabbed one of my hands and fiddled with my fingers. I could have sworn I giggled. That caused more embarrassment.

"Why're you always blushing?"

"Why're you always making me blush?" I retorted, trying to sound more confident than I was. Inside I was humiliated. I couldn't show that.

"I make you blush?

Bad move, Clare. I decided to say nothing in return.

"So, what do you want to do?" He offered, throwing his free hand in the air as if possibilities were endless.

"I'm not bothered. You can choose," I said, biting on my lip softly, letting him continue to play with my fingers. He pressed his hand up against mine in comparison, his fingers much lunger and bulkier than mine. I felt small. But it was a good feeling. Like we were wooden pieces, cut specifically to fit one another.

"We could watch a movie," He suggested, giving me a half smirk. I felt my stomach flop over and I tried to ignore the feeling. It just wouldn't budge.

"A-a mo-movie sounds good," I muttered, looking up at him. His green eyes darted down back at me, and by my hand he lead me out of his room, into the livingroom.

"My mom is working all tonight, so we can watch as many movies as we want!" He told me, his face full of life and ecstasy.

"Alright," I breathed. "Oh, Eli?"

He looked up from his movie collection to me, his green eyes flickering in the dark living room.

"Where can I change? I want to get into my pajamas..." I asked sincerely.

"In my room, or the bathroom. Wherever you're comfortable. Bathroom is just straight down the hall. Last door." He said, returning his sight to his DVDs.

I nodded a thank you and went down the hall to his room, rummaging through my bags, finding something appropriate yet cozy to wear. I found a pair of sweat pants that said Degrassi CS running down the leg. I thought those would do. And for a shirt? Just a white blank, cotton shirt.

I got changed in his room and then soon emerged, every inch of my hair falling from my ponytail. I took it out and put my hairtie around my wrist.

"Hey Saint Clare," he said, turning his glance to me. His eyes ran up and down my body as I sat down on his couch. I felt nervous and under a spotlight.

"You look beautiful," he told me as his bangs fell in front of his eyes. I smiled a thank you and let him continue looking.

"Do you want to watch a scary movie?" He asked. Typical Eli. His first pick, a horror flick.

"Sure," I lied.

The glance he threw me next was key to let me know he didn't believe me.

"I promise you, Clare, nothing too gory, nothing too scary, okay?"

I gulped, but finally nodded.

"I'm here to protect you, anyway," He winked, then finally pulled out a DVD, put it in the machine and sat next to me.

"Damn! Do you want popcorn?" I shook my head and he smiled. "Alright, but later we _have_ to have some."

Fifteen minutes into the film and my face was already burried in Eli's dark sweatshirt, his blankets and anything else I could hide behind. I was _shaking._ I felt like such a baby.

"This movie is _so_ lame," He mumbled - more to himself - cooly.

My eyes widened and I looked at him as if he were some freak of nature.

"Oh, gee, _thanks Eli_." I hissed. But my fake-anger faded sooner than I thought because the feeling of his arm wrapping around my waist made me forget everything.

I rested my head gently on Eli's shoulder and every now and then I felt him peering down at me. I honestly couldn't be happier.

I woke up at a dark hour. Maybe 2 or 3 AM. I sighed. Where was I? My question was answered soon as I looked up and saw Eli awkwardly sitting, but sleeping. I was lying down on the couch, my head on his lap, his fingers somewhere wrapped within my hair.

I wanted to stay like this forever.

My eyes were droopy and I couldn't help but to fall asleep again. I listened closely to Eli's breathing, his body heaving up and down. It was the perfect lullaby.

**Author's Note: Hey guys! Thanks for all of the reviews/story alerting/favouriting, you guys are awesome! Here's the fourth chapter! Sorry it took a little longer! And sorry if it's boring. :(**


	5. Smirks

Six in the morning. Six in the damn morning. Where the hell was I? My eyes fluttered open and I looked around confused. Around my ankles were a pool of blankets and on my lap- oh my god. Clare Edwards' head. This was _too much._ I gently slid her off my lap and got up. That was the most terrible and strenuous sleep I have ever had.

I stretched out my arms and looked down at her. She was beautiful. Ivory skinned and freckled. Her eyes were closed, but were they _ever_ blue. Her arms were crossed one over the other in almost a polite-looking manner. I scoffed. Typical Clare, very typical of her. Her curves were visible through her loose white t-shirt, and I observed them. So lovely. So pure. Beautiful.

She was Clare Edwards. Perfect in every way.

And I _mean_ every way. Including her spine alignment. I wasn't going to screw up her back and let her sleep on that terrible couch. I reached from underneath her and hoisted her up into my arms.

She was in my arms. I felt weightless on my feet. As I moved down the hall I made sure to be gentle. Waking her up at this hour... I probably wouldn't survive through her frustration.

The floorboards creaked beneath my feet, so I tiptoed over into my room, closing the door ever so softly behind me. Approaching my bed, I put her down slowly and climbed in on the other side. Putting the blanket over top of us I realized that this where I want to be.

I watched her for an hour, maybe even more. To be honest, the sun shined through the curtains and I was still awake. I watched her toss and turn, play with the pillow, and mutter a few jumbled words here and then.

I was there motionless, laying with her, watching over her. And I couldn't have been more surprised when she flopped over and stared directly at me, her blue eyes more alive than ever.

I tried not to jump to conclusions and start apologizing, because maybe she wasn't angry at me.

"Mmm," She said, her eyes now slits as she yawned loudly and stretched out her arms. "Hi, Eli,"

Obviously she wasn't thinking correctly. Because the Saint Clare I know wouldn't have warmed up to me so fast and given me a great big hug in the morning. Especially while sleeping in the same bed.

"Uhm...Clare?" I asked confused, and there it was. She snapped out of her tiredness and her eyes darted to me. She looked fumed.

Clare immediately sat up, horrified with herself. "What did you do?"

I joined her sitting, and I scoffed. "What did _I_ do?"

"Yes, Eli, what did you do?"

"_Saint Clare,_ I only moved you from the couch to my bed!"

"With you... in it!"

"Well you're not going to sleep on the floor!"

"And neither are you!" She snapped.

"Alright then, it's settled," I smirked at her and she crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at me with fury. I chuckled and climbed out of my bed.

I began to search for a shirt to wear, and coming across just a plain red v-neck. I began to peel off the sweatshirt I was wearing now and of course with the static, my undershirt came up with it.

Behind me in my reflection on the mirror, I couldn't help but to laugh at Clare avoiding to look at me. She wasn't serious, was she?

Shirtless, I walked over to Clare. She didn't look at me. How the hell did she ever go to beaches, then? Did she just twiddle her thumbs and look at her feet?

I laughed, but this caused her to go even more red.

"You'll kiss me, but you won't look at me?" I asked, arching a brow.

"Eli, this is extremely inappropriate..." She muttered, looking out the window. A hint of sadness played out in her voice, and I felt absolutely guilty. Playing with her values and such.

I shook my head and picked up my red shirt from the floor, pulling it over my head.

"Anyway, what do you want to do today?" I said, walking back over to her, sitting on my desk in front of her. She sat on the ledge of my bed, giving me very little eye contact.

"I don't know," She shrugged, finally turning her head.

"How about we go to lunch, the Dot?"

"Sounds good."

"I'm buying," I offered.

"I know you are," She teased, and with that, she left my bedroom with a smirk.

Clare Edwards has smirked twice at me now. I sort of like it.

**Author's Note: Yeah... TWO UPDATES IN ONE DAY! :) Hope you like it. Sorry. It's a bittttt short and sort of weak. :( But yeah. Thanks for reading! **


	6. Never Have I Ever

I studied over his sour expression as he leaned in to sip his coffee. It was too hot, apparently. I laughed gently and then smiled at him.

"I'm glad we're doing this," I cited pleasantly. He responded with a smile.

"Yeah," He breathed, stretching out his arms and leaning on his chair, the front legs kicking up from the ground.

"Eli, you're going to hurt yourself-"

I didn't receive a reply but I wasn't bothered. I watched him foolishly lean back, his chair rocking back ever so slightly, giving me a mini heart attack.

He stopped at last and I kept my gaze fixed upon his green eyes.

"Clare, I love you," He slurred through a half-mouthful of coffee. My eyes widened. Did I just hear correctly or...?

"E-Excuse me?" I cooed, confused beyond belief. Did he _really_ just say that?

"I love you." He repeated, his tone serious.

"I love you too, Eli."

But I wasn't sure if I loved him. I mean, we've known each other for a while now but there were still a few little details I didn't know about him. That scared me. I mean, I knew about Julia, his father, all sorts of things. But it's not like we knew everything about each other. The fact that he was in love with me... that just intimidated me. People use the word love too often and especially when they don't mean it.

Despite that, the fact that someone loves me or cares about me is enough. And if he really loves me, he will tell me those missing facts.

Eli took me back to his house, leading me anxiously through the door, as if he were anticipating something. And what surprised me most was as he shut the door, he pressed my back forcefully up against it.

"Eli- ... Oh!" I was lost for words as I found my head comfortably hanging as his lips trailed up my neck. Finally, they reached my lips. And how good it felt. Wait, what?

This did not feel good.

I felt horrible doing it, but I had to push him away. Our lips left contact and he looked upset. Hurt.

He was acting really out of character.

"W-Why-What did you do that for? Why?" I asked, trying to piece my words together, but all I could think of _now_ was his smooth lips running along my skin.

He shrugged and smirked. That stupid smirk. I watched as he moved slowly into his living room, plunging right into his couch. I sat beside him, still a bit worked up. I would scold him later.

"I _really_ hope you didn't just tell me you love me to have sex with me," I scoffed. Okay, I would scold him now.

"Clare, I only kissed you!" He defended, his eyes rolling in the back of his head.

"Oh..." I mumbled, my cheeks getting hot. I could _feel_ them getting red.

"Unless you want to go-"

"Eli!"

"Joking, _Saint Clare_." He snickered, plastering that annoying smirk on his face again.

It was just so annoying. But, he was incredibly cute so I didn't mind.

He reached for the remote but I smacked his hand away.

"Television is just _so_ boring..." I pondered, my voice trailing off.

"What did you have in mind then?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. It's like the only things he did were watch television or something.

"Finish what _you_ started?" I asked childishly.

Eli moved closer to me and pulled me over him. My short curls fell to his face as I leaned in to kiss him. His eyelashes tickled against my cheeks but I continued to keep contact. His mouth opened wider and my tongue wound up brushing against his. It felt so good.

Tingles ran through my body. But instead of worrying about what my parents would think, how I would feel about myself afterwards... this time I didn't care. It felt right and I liked it.

I giggled slightly when I felt a nibble on my lip. He softly bit me but that wasn't the problem. The giggle was the problem. It was the weirdest noise I've ever heard myself make.

Eli sat up more and I spiraled my legs around his waist. He pulled me closer and deepened the kiss. Our breaths were short and hot in between kisses.

I didn't know what came over me. But I knew that this is where I wanted to be.

Eli broke it off and he sighed happily and I smacked my lips together, moving off of him.

"Can we talk?" I asked. Eli's eyes widened worriedly but I shook my head. "Nothing serious, don't worry."

He nodded then lead me into his bedroom. I climbed underneath his covers and he met me, his hand immediately cuffing mine. He turned my body over so we'd be facing each other.

"What's up, Saint Clare?"

"You sure know how to woo a girl, Eli," I said, rolling my eyes.

He laughed and wrapped one of his arms around me.

"Nothing's up. I just want to know you more,"

Eli wore a puzzled expression, but I explained to him about how when he told me he loved me, I was a bit confused. We didn't really know each other that well.

"I've never felt this way about any girl ever before," He said, reaching over and playing with a loose curl. I felt my insides whirl.

_What about Julia?_ I wanted to blurt, but I didn't want to cause him any pain.

"No girl before me?" I wondered, my voice hinting out Julia. I felt selfish. But I just _wanted to know._

"Never."

"I've never felt this way about any boy ever before," I admitted, a proud smile lighting up the entire room.

He chuckled.

"No boy before me?"

"Never."

"What about that fool on the basketball team?" He asked jokingly, biting down on his lip.

I giggled. "Never, Eli."

**Author's Note: Blehhhh this isn't the greatest chapter, so sorry! But there's a kiss for ya! ;) Sorry it took so long to put up, too!**


	7. Hey, Jude

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: SORRY GUYS, I HAD TO DO ANOTHER CLARE POV CHAPTER! YEAH I KNOW... BLEH. BUT I PROMISE THERE WILL BE MORE ELI SOON! AND I MIGHT NOT UPDATE ALWAYS RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE SCHOOL IS STARTING AND YUCK! I KNOW! BUT YEAH. IT'S ANOTHER CLARE CHAPTER! SORRY AGAIN!**

"You're really going to an Art Museum?" He teased, laughing in my face. My expression fell and he took note of this, his laugh stopping immediately.

"Well, Eli... I can't spend all my time with you, I promised Alli, you know-" I differed. He sighed. _Finally._

"Alright, well I was going to spend the day cleaning Morty and hanging out with my mom. 'Sounds lame, I know. But she just wants to know what's going on with me... us... stuff..."

His voice trailed off and I smiled at him. "You sure she's okay with me here?"

"Positive. So it's just you and Alli?"

"I think Drew and Jenna might show up..." I nodded, trying to remember what Alli said to me on the phone the previous night. It'd be all luck if Drew showed up. Like he'd ever be caught dead in a museum. Let alone one about art.

"Have fun," He croaked sarcastically. He threw me a grin and kissed me on the cheek. "Oh, you need a ride?"

In the background I hear a loud honk and stifled laughter. "I think mine is here," I said.

Eli lead me out his door and he kissed me on the top of my head.

"Saint Clare?" He called over as I left his yard, going over to Drew's car.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"Don't have _too_ much fun!" He sneered jokingly. I felt my insides whirl as he smiled, and I climbed in the backseat.

I was going to have fun, and there was nothing Eli could do about it.

As I sat in the backseat alone, I wondered as to where Jenna was. And what surprised me most was when we pulled up to KC's.

"W-What're we doing here?" I muttered confused. We were _probably_ just picking up Jenna. But that's not what my gut told me.

And KC climbing in the seat beside me also told me otherwise.

Our bodies mashed up uncomfortably, I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Why are you here?" I felt Alli's eyes darting at me from her mirror, so I tried to sound more kind.

"Didn't Alli tell you?" He asked, trying to fix the green beanie that sat lazily around his head. I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Obviously not," I snapped bitterly.

Alli turned around from her seat and poked at me. _Be nice._ She mouthed.

"Where's Jenna, then?" I asked, not that I cared. To be honest I wasn't all thrilled she was coming in the first place.

"Why would I invite Jenna, Clare? You don't exactly _love_ her and... well..." She looked at K.C and he looked away quickly.

Alli darted his eyes over to him, telling me that Jenna and K.C were probably not on the best terms. I nodded and then let my arms loose. I would at least give K.C a chance to be a good friend. If he messed this up, I was done with him.

The car came to a final stop. At last, we arrived.

The AGO was a beautiful place, and I was incredibly excited. K.C slid out of the backseat and wound up around my side, opening the door for me. I found this polite... but strange. I muttered a thank you and awkwardly stepped out.

We walked for a while before stumbling upon the actual art. Drew was attached to Alli's hip, trying to impress her and saying millions of words and sayings that he didn't understand the meaning of. I laughed at this, but we all walked together.

One piece in particular caught my eye so I went back to it a few moments later. K.C slowly trailing behind me. I could smell him. Not that he smelled bad. But good. I remembered what he smelled like. A distinct cologne. It was a very typical boyish smell.

I faked a smile as he emerged from behind me.

"Hey, Clare."

I nodded, studying the canvas in front of us.

"Look, I really just want to say I'm sorry..." He mumbled, his voice tense.

I turned around and gawked at him. "K.C, please, what are you even doing?"

"Clare, please let me finish."

I waited.

"I think that I was really ... idiotic for breaking up with you. But I've got to face reality. I'm going to be somebody's..." I blushed immediately and he stopped talking.

"K.C, somebody's what?" I asked aimlessly.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"You know I can."

And then it just kept coming. All these words, the stories, all of it. He was in a tough situation. And Jenna was pregnant. And he wasn't going to help. But I understood. I don't know why. But I felt bad for him. For once he just wanted to be normal.

He shoved his hands deep inside his pockets, clearly a bit embarrassed or upset, maybe both.

"It'll be okay," I tried, but nothing I said would help him here. Except for the fact that he knew I understood and I wouldn't judge him.

"I just don't need any problems. I don't need any distractions, Clare. I know, it sounds so selfish but I can't do it. My mom _just_ got cleaned up. My dad's in jail still... you don't know what it's like. I can't deal anymore," He muttered, his cheeks slowly turning red.

I nodded slowly. "K.C, I'm so sorry..." I was, really. And for once, K.C looked so genuine. So hurt and innocent in this light. Yes, he broke my heart. But he just looked entirely broken. I mean, a smashed heart is one thing... but his whole life?

"Don't be. I just hope that we can be friends,"

"Of course." I told him as he pressed his hand on my shoulder. I shivered, but then smiled. I sometimes missed him. When he was the regular K.C. The K.C I really liked. I tried to fight all the grinning that was going on but he made me feel so different. I didn't know what was going on.

I shook his hand from my shoulder and we kept moving along until we bumped into Alli and Drew.

"Sooo, what were you guys talking about?" She asked excitedly and suggestively.

"Alli," Drew mumbled, rolling his eyes.

K.C sighed. "Art."

His lie made me beam happily. I could feel K.C getting underneath my skin again. I could feel myself letting him into my life again. I wanted this. I wanted to be a friend to him.

We browsed around more and finally the four of us ended our outing. Loud music pumped form the car's speakers and it was a song we _all_ knew: Hey Jude by the Beatles. We laughed when we all heard Paul's muffled screams and K.C mocked him.

My face was red and hot from laughing so hard as Alli dramatically threw herself into the song.

"Na na... na na na na..." She cooed loudly. I grinned and joined in. We all clapped our hands, however Drew was quiet and focused on the road before us.

"Judey! Judey, Judey, Judey, Jude!" K.C screamed and grabbed my hand. He threw it in to the air we all sang proud.

Na na... na na na na... The song may or may not have been stuck in my head for the rest of the night.


	8. One Year

I lyed motionless on my bed, looking up peacefully at my ceiling. I tried not to think about Clare at the museum. I should have went with her. Truth was, I wasn't cleaning Morty nor just _hanging out with my mom._ It had been exactly one year since Julia passed.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, sitting up. I dug through my pocket and pulled out my cellphone. Scrolling through my contacts, Julia's name lit up the screen. I pressed call.

_Hey! Haha, Eli could you stop? ELI! Stop! Hehe ha. Oh my god, Eli! Okay. Hi, it's Julia. _

I bit my lip as I heard my own voice in the background. I remember that day.

_Sorry that you can't reach me. Eli probably stole my phone. Stop, Eli! Hahahah oh my god. Okay. Anyway. Yeah, you know what to do._

I felt my heart pick up pace as her recorded message stopped, and at the tone, the beep signalled.

One year since the closest person to me ever was brutally killed. Because of me.

_"Julia," _

_She turned around, her face lighting up the dark corner. The wind picked up and I pulled her closer to me._

_"Yes, Elijah?"_

_"Two years," I recited, and caught her off guard._

_My mouth moved against hers and I felt her skin shiver against mine. Her tongue brushed against my lips and moved within mine. Our tongues batted at each other's playfully until she finally pulled away._

_"That's a long time," She nodded, knotting her fingers deep in my hair._

_"I've loved you longer, ever since I saw you,"_

_"That's got to be a lie,"_

_"No, it's true."_

_"Since sixth grade, really, Elijah?"_

_"Truly," I nodded._

Memories played like an old film in the back of my mind. Julia was my everything. She was everything that mattered in my life. The _only_ thing that mattered. I still loved her. I wondered if I could ever let her go.

_"Jules, you're acting different..."_

_"Elijah, you're being a little irrational,"_

_"No, Julia, I'm not! And don't CALL ME THAT."_

_"What the hell is your problem?"_

_"You, Julia, you're the problem!"_

_Sorrow flooded her face and as I whirled around, I felt her eyes on me._

_"Eli- I'm sorry, please,"_

_"Just tell me the truth,"_

_She stood in front of me and led me to a seat on the bench in the park. It was a cold morning. I didn't want to be here all day._

_From her bag that I never noticed her wearing, she pulled out a pill bottle._

_"God, Jules, what the FUCK!"_

_"Eli, no, please!"_

_"What is this, an invitation to get high with you?" _

_"E-"_

_"Just SHUT UP!"_

I winced, remembering that day also. That day was one of the worst days of my life. I got off my bed and stood up. I went to my bookshelf and pulled out To Kill a Mockingbird. Bookmarked was a page of no reason, but the bookmark itself was special. A photo of Julia. This was, after all, her favourite book.

_It was a cold, summer night and I stood alone. Waiting for Julia. And as I spun around, there she was._

_"Elijah, I'm so sorry,"_

_"You should be," I said coldly, turning my head the other way._

_I could feel her gawking at me confused._

_"I came here to apologize!"_

_"And I'm listening,"_

_"I'm sorry. I know how you feel about that kind of stuff."_

_"Do you really? Fuck, Julia. I don't think you do. Maybe if you knew, you wouldn't have done it!" _

_She crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine, Eli. Have fun standing out here all night."_

_"Wait, Jules, don't get on your bike," I shrugged, looking as she undid her kickstand._

_She rolled her big green eyes at me. "Just leave me alone. I'm done trying,"_

_"Julia, come on. Let me drive you home," I offered, grabbing her arm softly._

_"Let go of me, Eli! I'm done!"_

_"Please," I begged of desperation._

_"No,"_

_"Call me when you get home,"_

_"No,"_

_"Go online?"_

_"Fine. Goodbye, Eli." Her voice was sour. I felt so weak._

_"B-Bye, Jules."_

And that was the end. That was the actual end of our relationship, her fucking life was ending before I knew it. I should have took her by the hand and kissed her. Pulled her into Morty. Told her I loved her and I was sorry. That I could look past her mistake. My mistake. Our mistakes. I should have done that. But I never did. I _killed_ her.

I felt the photo of her between my thumb and finger, and I looked at it once more before putting it back in the book. Dark, straight locks of brown hair hung at her shoulders. She was smiling. Her crooked smile. Her red lips bright as ever and her make up less dark than usual. Green eyes like no one else's. So beautiful.

_"Eli, she never made it home,"_

_"W-What?"_

_I heard her mom cry into the phone, our connection becoming muffled. _

_"Julia. She was hit by a drunk driver."_

And that's when my world crumbled. I moved out of Kingston to Toronto. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I sighed but before I knew it, my heart was racing.

"Eli?"

I heard a soft voice and I jumped almsot right out of my skin. Whirling around, I stood face to face with Clare.

"Hey, Saint Clare," I mumbled wryly, trying to quickly regain my self confidence as her eyes scanned curiously over me. "How was the museum?" I said, acting calm and collect.

"It was great, saw some really cool things. _Jenna_ didn't come, it was perfect. However K- anyway. The car ride was hilarious," She said, her voice full of excitement and happiness.

"Great," I muttered, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

She crept beside me and smiled, leaning her head against mine.

"So what are you doing, just standing here in the middle of your room? And I noticed Morty wasn't looking very tidy... and your mom left a note on the fridge saying that she had to go out..."

"Clare, could you just stop talking?" I blurted, feeling ashamed soon after.

Her eyes widened and she look down, her hair cupping her face.

"Fine,"

"No, Clare, come on..."

"Eli, what's up with you?"

"Nothing," I lied bitterly. She raised and eyebrow and I shook my head.

"God, nothing is _wrong,_ OKAY?" I told her, raising my voice. When the hell did I become so angry. I couldn't even help it anymore.

"Eli, we go back to school in just a few days and if you're going to act like this then..."

"Then what?" I asked, throwing my hands up in the air. So angry. So confused. So embarrassed.

"Never mind, then. I'm going to Alli's. Call me when you feel like talking instead of yelling."

"Clare, please,"

"Eli, NO! This is why I came here. To get away from all the yelling!"

"Let me drive you there at least!"

And I felt like I was reliving the same exact thing.

"No, I'm going to bike over."

"Clare, please, this is _exactly_ what happened with Julia." I said, crumbling underneath my calm look.

Her eyes scanned me and she crossed her arms in disbelief. "KC was right about you," she sneered. And with that, she stormed out. I chased her down the hall and grabbed her, pulling her against me.

"KC? What the hell? When did you ever talk to him?"

"Today, he was at the museum." She told me confidently.

_Fuck._

"Clare, come on, you're being vulnerable."

"No! Eli! No _I am not._" Her jaw was tight and she looked at me through narrow slits. I felt my stomach whirl.

"I can't let you go,"

"Well you'll have to. See you in school." She mumbled, escaping my grasp. I stood taken aback as she went down to the foyer.

"Clare! Do you want me to fight for you? Because I am." I told her, throwing my hands up again in the air. I just wanted her to hear me out.

"How the he- _Ugh._ How are you fighting for me?" She said, absolutely fed up with me.

"I can't lose you Clare. That's all. Please."

"I'm not a puppy, okay, Eli? You haven't lost me. _You don't need to put up flyers._ You can see me tomorrow."

And with that, she vanished from my sight. I pressed my fingers to my temple. This could not be happening.

XXX

All night I stood by the phone. Pacing back and forth. Waiting for that stupid fucking call. I felt like it would happen again. But when I signed online briefly to check my e-mail and saw Clare's IM name, my heart lifted. She was okay.

Clare Edwards was okay.

But was I?


	9. Partnering Up

On the last day before break I returned to my parents' house. For the remaining days I was at Alli's, not once did I think about Eli. He wouldn't hurt me any longer. But why did I come back to my parents? To shop for what I dreaded most about returning to Degrassi. _Uniforms._

Apparently and e-mail was sent out to parents/guardians of students at Degrassi, and that is why I had to walk to school in a high-waisted brown skirt and an indigo blouse with my ID strung around my neck. I looked ridiculous.

This whole _thing_ was ridiculous. But I would deal with it for the few months we had left of school. I would quietly go about things and mind my own business. I would make do with my friends of Alli and KC, wait, what? And I guess _Jenna_ on those days where I didn't loathe her terribly.

It was the first day back. Not exactly something I loved, but more so I dreaded. I threw myself out of bed in the morning and got on my new, ill-fitting clothes. I looked awful. My hair was tough and hard to comb, and for some reason I cared. I just wanted a fresh start this semester. A start I knew I'd probably never get.

Walking to school wasn't too bad. I was joined by Alli, who wore her uniform in a way I knew I could never. I could never look the way she looked. And for some reason, my confidence was shot. She makes her uniform look... dare I say it, sexy. While I look again, boring and plain. I decided to stop thinking so poorly of myself and move on. It was the first day back and I needed a bit more positivity if I wanted to make it through the entire day.

I made my way over to my locker, hearing the announcements above me.

_There will be a brief assembly for Freshmen at 9:30, the Sophmore and Junior assembly at 10:30 and finally the Senior assembly after the final lunch bell. The assembly will be held in the auditorium. Attendance is mandatory. Further updates about the school and our new rules will be said then and there. Thank you._

I rolled my eyes in irritation. I grabbed my items and before I could swing my locker shut, I noticed KC hovering curiously behind me. I jumped and laughed at myself, hearing a small scream escape my throat.

"KC," I panted, he chuckled quietly.

"Hey Clare, what's your first period class?" He asked sincerely, leading the two of us down the hall. I tried to think back to my schedule and it quickly came to me. Before I answered, I took note of the time. Three minutes until class.

"I have... Science? I think?" I craned my neck and looked up at the ceiling. For some reason, this often helped. "Yes, Science."

"Guess I'll see you in there." He shrugged as we approached the classroom door.

"Really?" I asked, smiling brightly. He nodded and I felt my hearstrings pull.

"_Really._ Be my partner?" KC's voice was kind and he pointed to the blackboard before us. _PARTNER UP FOR TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT._ And as I looked around I realized that Jenna was no where to be seen. Or Alli. I felt my insides whirl and I lugged myself into a chair.

"Why not!" I said proudly, patting the seat next to me. KC shuffled awkwardly into the chair next to mine and we got our supplies out on our desk as the bell chimed almost too loudly.

XXX

The assembly was before I knew it. After Science, KC also came with me to my Music class. A plesant surprise. Maybe a second chance was in the question. He was just so sweet. It was all too overwhelming.

KC followed beside me as a large group of Sophomores and Juniors moved down the halls. I felt someone's eyes like daggers against my back. When I spun around I saw Adam directly behind me.

"Adam!" I yelled, reaching out for a hug. I noticed his red polo, his ID also hanging from his neck and his high-waisted khaki pants. I laughed mentally.

"Hey Edwards," He said, smiling to me. His eyes fleeted to KC, but he noticed that I noticed this, and quickly looked back to me. "How was your summer? Didn't see much of you..."

"Yeah! I am sorry about that. I sort of fell off the face of the earth."

"I know," Adam mumbled, his expression unamused. "Eli! Wait up!" He called, dodging past me and running.

KC looked down at me, spotting the worried look I had. "Don't worry, Clare, if Eli gives you any trouble..."

I expected to hear a: "_I'll take care of it." _or _"I'll keep him scared."_ Or something along those lines. Something _Eli_ would have said. But I was again, pleasantly surprised when I heard something different.

"We can just ignore him." A soft smile spread across his lips and I leaned further against him as we made our way to the auditorium doors.

"I like the sound of that," I pressed firmly but with a sincere grin flat across my face.

KC held the door for me and I ducked, walking underneath his arm into the auditorium.

And there Eli was. I felt like I was the only person in the room. In the room filled with over two hundred people. He was the one I saw first. From so far away. His vibrant red shirt, his dark hair and green eyes. His pinkish lips and freckles. The skin I had kissed just last week. The boy whom I told I loved. He was there.

I shouldn't have told him that. The feeling of guilt and regret swam in my insides, but the guilt of not being there with him took place also. Not with Adam. I saw Adam next, also. His skin pale and unhappy.

I felt so out of place. But KC understood. Even if I hadn't told him at all. He would understand that I was unhappy. And I could trust him. He was KC.

I turned my head and I sighed. "Let's sit over there," I offered, pointing in the opposite direction of Eli and Adam. KC nodded solemnly and he found two seats for us. I could get used to this.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: YEAH SORRY I BROKE UP ECLARE. THAT IS ALL. ;) JKJK. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING, YOU GUYS ARE JUST AMAAAAZING. SO. I'M SORRY ABOUT ECLARE AND ALL. BUT YEAH! THANKS! **


	10. You And I Collide

I hummed lightly to my iPod, to the playlist Clare had put on during break. Collide came on, and I winced as Howie Day's voice buzzed softly in my ears. I had to turn this off. Clare's favourite song at that time. _Clare._

I made my way to school and I wasn't really getting used to Degrassi's new rules. It was already the second week of school but it actually felt like a month or two. My back ached, my head felt heavy, but all in all, I felt strangely empty.

Lingering around the halls, I knew when Clare was in the room. I could smell her shampoo. I felt her eyeing me possibly behind her books, her locker, or KC. I knew she saw me. I didn't know where she was. But she made me feel like I was alone out of all the students shuffling around slowly in the hall. I was the only one.

It was lunch by now. As I carefully placed my books and bag into my beaten locker, I decided I wouldn't eat lunch. Just simply walk around. I felt someone trying to get my attention. No, I heard someone trying to get my attention. Adam. I turned as he stopped midway saying my name.

"Hey, man," I said, looking through him. Someone else caught my glance.

"What's up, Eli?" He asked, but in the context as in what the hell I was looking at.

"Did you just see Sav?"

"No, I'm not usually on the lookout for what Sav does now, tomorr-"

"Adam, just shut up for a second!" I mumbled, my voice trailing off slowly as I tried to look past Adam's messy hair. Finally, I nudged him out of the way and made my way to the wall opposite to us, where a flyer was posted.

_Audition for Degrassi's Spring Talent Show! Sign up below and listen up for announcements! More information will be said soon! Auditions will most likely be held next week beginning on Monday, see you there!_

Adam hovered behind me and I peered down. There was a pencil attached with a string to the page. I could do this. I played guitar. Not well, but I could master a couple of chords by the end of the week. I could sing, not perfectly, but alright... And there were so many songs I could sing.

"You're going to audition?" He snorted, laughing in my ear. I turned around with fury in my eyes, a rage in my stomach. His laughing stopped.

"Yeah, I am," I mumbled, and with that, I was gone.

X

I practiced. For half hours, two hours, up to days. Until it was Monday. It was my final rehearsal. I sat alone in the auditorium. Strumming. Just playing. I wasn't going to wing it, but if I played right before I felt like I would forget everything.

And then, the lunch bell rang. That bell told me that auditions were starting. Sav never told us who the judges would be so you couldn't try to bribe them beforehand. I thought this idea was pretty stupid. It's a Degrassi Talent Show, not an election for Prime Minister. Or something. Shaking this thought away, I slung my guitar over my shoulder and sat down in one of the seats. The auditions were to be held here.

Bursting through the doors were first Adam. I didn't have to look at him, but I heard his voice thundering down the auditorium. "No, man, I swear it was so frickin' funny!" He bellowed, coughing from laughter. A few others mumbled behind him and he sighed. He plopped down beside me and he grimaced. "Tough crowd, dude. But I bet yours will be much easier." Adam put up a fist for me to bump, which I did on cue. He was trying to assure me. But I wasn't nervous. Until I saw who the judges were.

Sav, who wasn't a surprise. Holly J, who I didn't really care about. The principal, who would probably give a biased vote. But I wasn't worried until Clare walked into the room with the line of judges. What the hell? Oh god. She was a tenth grade student council representative. But why did she have to be a judge?

I slid down in myself, ducking. Hoping to not catch her glance. Thankfully I didn't, her focus was fixed upon on something else. But when I realized she was grinning like an idiot and blushing adorably, she had to be looking at a boy. Not me, though. I whirled my head around and realized painfully KC was a few rows behind me.

When all the seats filled up and the room was completely full, the auditions began. Last names. A through Z. I listened and watched, almost fell asleep until we finally hit G.

___"Brittany Daniels." _

_"Marshall Fairweather." _

_"Zoey Gerald."_

_"Ingrid Gills."_

_"Elijah Goldsworthy."_

Chills ran up and down my spine before Adam finally tugged at my shoulder for me to get up. I took my guitar and at a slow pace, got "up there". I was nervous now. My heart beating faster than ever. But when I looked at Clare, I got that familiar feeling. Her eyes scanned me and she looked disapproving. But I knew that look. She was fighting to stop being angry with me. That was Clare. The feeling she gave me was that one I had last week, and pretty much every time we had an encounter. Like I was the only one.

I was the only one in the room.

Because I was performing for her.

The song I chose was her favourite of the moment. It reminded me of her every time I heard it. And the minute I began strumming, she would hopefully realize how much I care about her. How much I _love_ her. How much more I care about her than basketball boy. And it all just came out. My fingers smoothly touched the strings as I plucked them. Up and down. As I opened my mouth to the microphone, I took a deep breath. And there it was. The song.

_The dawn is breaking  
A light shining through  
You're barely waking  
And I'm tangled up in you_

_But I'm open, you're closed  
Where I follow, you'll go  
I worry I won't see your face  
Light up again_

_Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I somehow find, you and I collide_

However, I needed to cut it short. I finished. I felt so insecure, but I tried to not let it show. I put a smile on my face as the crowd broke out into a delayed applause. I looked to Clare, and she was busy scribbling on her paper, and huddling over to Sav and the rest of the judges. I sighed. It was worth a try. Besides, it was only an audition.

X

It was finally the end of the day. I didn't know why I even bothered trying out for the Spring Talent Show. My voice wasn't that great. I wasn't an expert on guitar. I began to pull things out from my locker and stuff them furiously in my bag. The agonizing pain I felt would never go away. Not unless I continued to see Clare with KC. That asshole.

"Goldsworthy," I heard a taunting voice. I rolled my eyes and turned around, seeing KC. Much taller, much bigger. Reminded me much of Fitz. Perhaps less tough, though.

"Need something, Guthrie?" I asked, I kept my chin high and pushed my arms through the loops of my backpack.

"Just you to keep your eyes off Clare," He muttered before purposely slamming into me.

"My eyes aren't on Clare, KC."

"Alright then, thanks!"

"Mmm." I mumbled as he scurried off. Then I felt a second person in my presence. If it was Adam, I really didn't need to hear his pity. He probably witnessed that whole thing.

As I turned my shoulder I realized the footsteps I had just heard were not the stomping of Adam. But the click-clacking of Clare Edward's tiny heels. I sighed impatiently. I just _really_ wanted to go home.

"Your performance was nice, Eli."

"Really? Great. Thanks." I said uneasily, then continued to walk to the doors again. But I felt a tugging on my arm. She was fighting for me. Like I had once for her.

"It was more than nice," She finally broke, her face fading to red.

"It was all for you," I admitted, turning to her. I felt my cheeks grow hot but I decided not to react. I had to be strong.

"I was hoping so. Do you think you could sing to me some time... After school?"

"Clare, I don't know about this," I told her. I mean, all we did was bicker and then get back together. Like a big circle. "Think about it."

"I have been. All day. Even when KC was following me around like a puppy."

"I thought he was right about me."

"Maybe, but I was wrong about you," She pondered lightly, her sparkly eyes focused directly against my green pair. I felt my self crumble underneath what is the beauty of her.

"I've always wanted to hear you say that, Edwards."

And then, something incredible happened. I dropped my guitar case recklessly and grabbed her waist. Her tiny curves placed perfectly in my arms as I swung her up in the air, her skirt whirling with her, brushing my face every now and then. I let her down and grabbed her face softly, just taking this moment in.

"This is magical, Eli."

"That was cliche, Clare."

"What_ever_, Goldsworthy."

"I'm kidding. You're right. This is magical. I love you, Saint Clare."

And then I kissed her.

And in old books and love stories and shitty movies, one will always say, typically the teller of the story will describe how amazing it was. How the couple has never kissed like that before. How there were only few words to describe that kiss.

That was our kiss. Except, there were _no_ words.


	11. Giving The Glory

Eli took my hand and pulled me down onto his bed. He kissed my forehead and we lay exhausted. Breathing silently. Taking in the musky air. He playfully rolled over me to get to my other side. He faced me and raised his eyebrows. His eyes lit up his whole room. At least for me, they did. I looked up to him. I was just so happy. Finally, we can be together. We have worked out our problems. No more KC, no more bickering, no more anything to maybe split us up. We know one another's boundaries, and we respect them.

I lay looking deep into his eyes. No words were said, but we just... were. Happy and peaceful. It was the most peace we've had with each other in a long while. He had made it up to me. He redeemed himself. And I forgave myself and him. Things would be finally normal.

X

Eli went home hours later after dinner, and I decided I should get a start on my homework. God, the effect he had on me. I haven't ever started my homework so late in my life! It was sheer luck that I only had two math equations to solve. As I traced my pencil across the soft paper, I heard a knock on the door.

I whirled around and almost knocked over the kitchen chair I was previously sitting in. I stood up straight and brushed down my shirt. I wandered over to the door and through the foggy glass, I could see KC.

I swung open the door and invited him in. Something about him reeked of fury and I felt a tad intimidated.

"Hey, KC!" I exclaimed otherwise, a smile planted happily on my face. He shook his head and threw the brown beanie off his head.

"Clare, I heard that you kissed Eli." He mumbled, looking down. Sadness and frustration written all over his face. I wanted to crawl up and hug him. But I couldn't. He was only a friend. "Is it true?" He asked, his voice crumbling beneath all of his bravado.

I looked up and down at him, wondering what I could tell him. He didn't need heartbreak. He didn't need any more trouble. But the best way I could provide him with less of a heartbreak and less trouble, was to be honest. My first and always the most important policy I live by. I finally gathered strength to nod slowly, and the reaction wasn't what I was hoping for.

His anger was visible. His fists began to clench and he lifted an arm in the air, smashing it hard against my kitchen table. "Clare, why would you betray me like that?"

"Like what?" I asked confused, scared, weakly. I was all of those things. Especially when he walked closer to me, fuming. His body was coming close to pushing up against me. My back against one of my walls.

"We had something going for us! I wanted to have _us_ again!"

"KC, you know I love Eli!"

"You can't love him," He pleaded, a sorry but bitter tone in his words. I sighed and looke down.

"I do."

"It's not fair!" He bellowed, and without a moment for me to back out of the way, his face dodged downward and he plunged his lips against mine.

They were rock hard, but I remembered them. They were still soft and comforting. But I didn't want this. I haven't wanted it. And I won't. I attempted to push him away but the desperation in all of it made me want to just give him the glory. I backed away slowly, giving him enough time for him to pull off.

"Leave. Now." I told him, trying to sound mighty. I pointed to my door and he grabbed his beanie, shuffling out of my kitchen. As he left, the inferior feeling drifted away and I slowly regained my confidence.

My heart still pounding, it might have as well jumped right out of my chest as my homephone rang aloud. I walked shakily over to it and picked it up, playing with the cord.

"H-Hello?" I said, my voice dry.

"Clarebear!" Alli's loud voice soaked up my ear and I winced.

"Hey Alli, how are you?"

"Enough about me! Okay, so I'm having a party!"

"Again?"

"Not a lame one, a cool one. A _really_ cool one."

"Alright."

"So by a cool one, I mean, Drew isn't invited!"

"You dumped him?"

"I decided that me forgiving him is a bit stubborn of me, huh?" She began giggling and I rolled my eyes. She scoffed, as if she could hear me rolling my eyes.

"Anyway, you're invited, Eli's invited, why shouldn't you come? Also, my parents are going to Ottawa for some business thing, like they would leave me and Sav alone, but anyway. Sav will be gone..."

She rambled on and on until I heard something that actually included me.

"So, ya comin'?" She asked suggestively. I didn't have much of a choice. I needed more girl time. More Eli time. A bit more fun in my life.

"I'll ask my parents," I said as I heard my mom dashing down the stairs. She then entered the kitchen.

"Ask me what?" She said, drawing out a glass of orange juice. I pointed to the phone and she nodded knowingly.

"Anyway, Alli. I'll talk to you tomorrow morning," I told her, and she told me goodnight. I hung up and I turned to my mom crossing my arms over my chest.

"Alli's having a party tomorrow."

"Bhandari?"

"What other Alli do I have as a best friend?" I asked her laughing nervously.

"Is Eli going to be there?"

"H-How do you know about Eli?" I said, catching my hands fall up to my chest, where I fiddled subconciously with the cross that hung around my neck.

"I'm a Mom," She told me cooly. My blue eyes widened and she smirked. "And yes, you can go. But you do have a curfew. Anyway, I'm heading up to bed. Goodnight, Clare. I love you." And with a kiss on my cheek, she left her empty glass in the sink and went back up the stairs.

I grinned to myself. Tomorrow would be a night I would never forget.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE THE LAST. SORRY FOR THE WAIT ON THIS ONE. HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT. :) WHAT WILL HAPPEN THE NEXT CHAPTER? WILL IT BE AN EVENING SHE'LL NEVER FORGET? OOOH. PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!**


	12. Rock This Town

Music was pumping loud. Why did I bother to go to Alli's party? Clare. It was going to be a good night. A friday where we could finally hang out outside of school without being around parents or at one of one another's houses. We could finally show off each other. We were proud to finally be a legitimate couple. It wasn't changing. We were real.

I walked in Alli's open front door and was soon greeted my her. She thumped into me, throwing her arms around my neck.

"ElI!" She screeched. I muttered something and shook her off of me.

A few people turned heads to me as I walked through, but I had no idea why. Was I dressed funny? I was wearing dark jeans, a gray, blank t-shirt, with a darker gray cardigan over top. Cardigans weren't usually my thing. But I wanted to look nice with Clare. She always looked nice.

As fifteen minutes passed, still no sign of Clare. More whispers were said behind my back until I finally walked up to some ninth grader and grabbed his shoulder before he could pass.

"Are you talking about me?" I said, my eyes slits.

He shook his head, but he was just a sore liar.

"I just heard some... stuff."

"Great, enlighten me!" I told him sarcastically, rolling my eyes in the back of my mind. He sighed and I loosened my grip on him.

"KC and Clare apparently made out," The boy whimpered, shrugging. He bolted out from underneath my arm and disappeared onto the second level.

Another ten minutes passed. And this is all I was hearing. _Clare Edwards and Guthrie shared an intimate kiss in the courtyard._ Or, _They began to share a moment on Fourth street. I only caught a glimspe. _Or..._ They definitely made out. I saw it. I wouldn't make this shit up._ I listened in the agonizing pain of wondering if these were rumors. But the night grew darker, and Clare was no where to be seen.

I finally sat down until someone who I'd been wanting to see all night appeared in front of me. Clare Edwards. I smiled gleefully, though something on the inside was definitely biting me. Her hair was curlier than usualy. More beautiful than usual, if it were possible. Her eyes were sparkly and a light blue. I could have sworn there was a spotlight being put on her. Her lips were pink and glossy, she smacked them together before tugging at my arm, pulling me out of the chair.

"Hey!" She said, making me feel weightless. I leaned in and kissed her lightly on the lips. My hands met at her waist and I beamed down at her. I could basically feel her blushing.

"Hey, Saint Clare. Can we talk?" I mumbled uneasily. I had to get this over with. I had to know. I took her hand and lead her to Alli's stairwell, a more secluded area. She looked up me with her bright and curious eyes. I felt myself become nervous and hot. I didn't like it.

"What's up, Eli?" She said sweetly, biting her lip.

"Why did you and KC kiss?" And I couldn't stop myself. I said it. And I jumped to a conclusion already. I should have just asked her first if she did or not.

She squirmed a bit and put her arms over her chest.

"How did you find out about that?" She looked pissed. She sounded pissed. God. It was true.

"Why did you do it, Clare?"

"Eli, he kissed-"

"I really don't want to hear it!"

"Wait, I have to tell you something..."

"Did you not just hear me?" I asked quite loudly. I didn't want or ever planned to cause a scene. But this is what things came to.

"Eli, please. It's about Fitz!"

I rolled my eyes.

"This is why I don't let people _in_ anymore, Clare!" I told her, looking up. I couldn't believe this. How could she ever do this to me.

"What?"

"I don't need to get hurt by you. Or anyone. I'm better off alone."

And that's how the rest of the night was. After I left Clare standing alone in the stairway, I stormed off and sat in Alli's backyard where a bonfire was going on. Former Lakehurst students that were friends of friends of Alli's sat around roasting marshmellows. I stood with my hands in my pockets. And that's how I spent most of my evening.

But I was becoming thirsty.

I headed around the house, looking for something to drink. I didn't want a cooler. Or a glass of some no named wine. Or anything of that matter. I grabbed a water bottle from Alli's fridge and opened it, and as the lid popped off, water spilled all over me, and even someone else.

I collided with none other than herself, Alli Bhandari.

"Eugh, thank _you, Eli._" She mumbled, immediately grabbing a napkin to dab herself repeatedly with over the water stain. I held back snickers and then I nodded.

"Sorry, Alli."

"Hey, what's up with you and Clare? What did you do to her?" She asked, her wide eyes gleaming at me. I was taken aback.

"What did _I_ do to _her?_" I asked shocked. I sighed. "Last time I checked, I wasn't the one who cheated." I said bitterly.

Alli's hand clasped over her mouth. "You stupid boy! KC kissed _her_! That scum bag went to her house because he's desperate and a prick."

My mouth gaped open at her, and I finally shut my jaw embarrassed. "I'm so stupid! Alli, has she gone home yet?"

"You are pretty stupid, but no, she's around."

"Thank you, I think."

"You're quite welcome!" She accepted, bowing dramatically and smiling with her toothiest smile.

I bolted around Alli's house. She was no where to be found. I looked up stairs. The bathroom, Sav's bedroom, Alli's bedroom, the second bathroom, their parents' bedroom, and the guest room. I checked all of downstairs, and even asked a few people if they've seen her. It seems as if the last time they saw her was around fifteen minutes ago.

I walked around and for the first time, I bumped into Adam.

"Hey bro, I messed up. If you see Clare, you need to tell her I'm sorry. That I love her."

"So, I'm back to wingman?"

"Looks like," I teased, and before running off to outside, I patted him on the back.

Though running out of Alli's driveway, I could hear the song _Miss Me_ by Drake still thundering around the street. I walked around and went to Morty. If I needed to drive around and look for her, I would. If I needed to drive to her house and find her there, I would.

As I approached Morty, I saw a figure standing over it. I curiously approached, and wanted to run when I saw not what, but whom was just a few feet away from me.

Fitz.

Fitz was humming a condescending tune, meanwhile, pissing all over the front of Morty.

I cleared my throat. Loud enough to tell him that I would not allow this.

"Well, look who decided to show up?" He laughed, turning around, and adjusting his zipper.

"Real funny, Fitz."

"Isn't it, though? Isn't it funny?"

"I just said that, didn't I?"

"I guess you did," He gave me a half glance and then returned his focus to Morty. He sighed and grimaced.

"It's a sad day when you find someone just escapes from Juvie to piss on my car,"

"No, Goldsworthy. It's a sad day for _you_ when you find out that I'm on parole."

My heart thudded exceedingly fast and loud in my chest and I felt my palms grow sweaty. This wasn't real. This wasn't happening. I wanted to pinch my arm and tell myself to wake up, but I couldn't move. I felt like I was glued in my shoes.

"Parole?"

"That's right."

"H-How?" I muttered confused.

"Didn't_ Clarebear _say anything?" His voice was sweet, but it was sarcasm. The type of sarcasm I absolutely loathed.

_"Eli, please. It's about Fitz!"_ The words stung in the back of my mind. She did say something. I just wasn't listening.

"No," I lied.

I took a deep breath. I needed to be calm. There wasn't anything to be worried about.

"So how did you get out again?"

"Fitzy behaved." A sickening grin appeared on his face as the words fumbled off his tongue.

"Why would you?"

"To finish what I started." His voice was dark, and his face even darker. He stook a few slow steps closer to me, his chest bumping against mine.

"There's nothing to finish. We're done, Fitz. I'm sorry. You know that," My stomach whirled around. I didn't need this to happen again.

"No, Eli. You're done." His words were haunting. And before I could back away, I knew that this was it. He pulled out his hand from his left pocket and withdrew a large knife. He dug it deep into my stomach-area, it ripping through my clothes and diving into my flesh. It cut through layers and layers. I collapsed. I was weak. I was going to die. I felt hot tears well up in the corners of my eyes. I fell against Morty, I couldn't move. I tried to lift my arm to take the blade from the wound. But I was stuck. Stuck in a position. My final position.

I felt the blood spill slowly out of my deep cut, where Fitz had thrusted the knife into. He ran. I watched his figure dash down the street, disappearing into the dark. I sat there. In the worst pain I've ever experienced. I sat there for an hour. No one came. No one found me. I sat in my own, dark red, thick blood that pooled around my entire body. My hands were stained. My pants. My shirt. And no one was there to help me. To bandage me up and tell me I'd be okay.

There were no sirens. Nothing.

And Clare would never get to hear it from me that I loved her. That I was in love with her. That I wanted to be with her forever and I'd always be by her side. I had a different love for her than any girl before. Than Julia, than my kindergarten crush. She was entirely special. I wanted to be with her forever.

But forever was ending for me on a short note.

My forever was out of reach, and it will always will be.

I died that night. With the music still audible. Beside Morty. In my own blood. In the terrible pain of my wound, but also knowing Clare would never get to hear the things I wanted to say to her. I died in a slumped over position. Most of my blood lost. The wound still fresh. Fitz gone into the night.

I died that night. In love with a girl but too troubled to see past anything but my own selfish desires and painful memories.

I died that night. Hoping someone would _miss me when I'm gone._

_When I finally make it home,_

_I just hope that you miss me_

_A little when I'm gone._

_I just hope that you miss me_

_A little when I'm gone._

The End.

**Author's Note: Yes, it's the end! Two updates in one night, sorry guys, I just really COULD NOT WAIT! Hope you liked this story and sorry that I did what I did. Hope you guys don't hate me! Anyway. Love you all. It's been so fun writing this!**


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